Anger: A Secondary Emotion

Your anger is a lot more complex than you think. We refer to anger as a secondary emotion, because it is a reaction to another emotion. People often revert to anger to cover up or protect themselves from other vulnerable feelings (subconsciously). A primary feeling is what is what is felt immediately before we feel anger. We almost always feel something else first before we get angry.

So first, we feel hurt, disappointed, betrayed, lonely, overwhelmed, dismissed, or invalidated...
... And then, because that emotion is too scary, too intense, our body protects us and we flip it and those emotions may manifest in the body as anger/frustration/irritability.

So while you may be shaming yourself for the way your anger or irritability presented itself today, I want to remind you that there are vulnerable emotions underneath that may be much deeper (and scary!) than that. When we are able to identify what is actually going on, we can deal with that emotion head on.

Remember to provide yourself with grace and kindness as you navigate and nurture those feelings. Much like we talk about with anxiety, use your anger as a cue that there is something else going on.

Questions to ask yourself for reflection and personal exploration:

What is your anger/irritability often triggered by?

What is the internal message I am telling myself in this moment?

What did I need in that moment?

How can I ask for those needs to be met in the future?

How can I better support myself in the future?